Sunday, October 31, 2010

and then it was over

October, you were a whirlwind; blowing in, spinning me ‘round a few times, and leaving so much behind.  You stirred up so much emotion in me: From joy that caused me to get up and dance, to sorrow that had me lying on the floor sobbing.  You were such a mirror for me. 

You made me want to get back in touch with my therapist, that’s for sure.  THE PAST was definitely your theme.  So many situations in recent weeks have made me ask, “Why now?”   The answer I’ve settled on is “It was time”.  

   I’ve said it before, so forgive me if I bore you by saying it again, but I believe the Universe gives us exactly what we need exactly when we need it.  Maybe I am just now at a point where I can recognize the events of the past few weeks for what they are--opportunities to further my growth and understanding of myself.  If things had happened at any other time, would I have been ready to learn, or even see these events how I am seeing them now?  I don’t believe so.

  Also, there’s the little matter of my art.  The 11 canvases I’ve created recently are not just fabric, paint, and paper - they are my heart, my soul.  Prior to the creation of this latest work, I’ve only painted sporadically, and then there was no real connection to what ended up on the canvas when I was done.  Maybe I needed these recent life events to crack me open, to leave me raw, so that the emotion would have no choice but to spill out onto whatever I touched.  

And for it all, I am so deeply grateful.  Grateful the mirror was held up so I could see the truth about myself.  Glad I’m able to recognize this truth, and be gentle with myself, and love myself in spite of my many, many shortcomings.  I’m thankful for the friends who are there to hug me while I cry.  For the people who crack me open, no matter how much it hurts, because light really does come through all those cracks, eventually.  For my sister’s surprise midnight visit.  Yea, after all these years.  And plans are being made to get together again, soon!  It’s so good to have her back in my life.  
And this day...I have to mention this day!  This cool truck was parked at a local art show I attended.  I forgot to take any other pics but did manage to snap a few of the truck on my way out.  I specifically went to meet Dani, of dani keith designs, who up until now I had only met online.  She was lovely and I'm thrilled that I now own one of her pieces:

I also met Andrew Sedberry aka the Bloody Brother and went nuts for his work.  I got two pieces:

I also visited a friend I hadn't seen in a while, stopped in at the gallery, went to the herbal shop to stock up on handmade soaps and lotions, got quite a bit of work done, and had a wonderful dinner!  A simply fabulous day. 
My show is next Saturday and I am, surprisingly, calm about it so far.  I've got quite a bit more to do, but I'll get there.  And today (since I'm writing this at 1:15 am) is Samhain!  Otherwise known, by most, as Halloween--my favorite day of the year!  I have a tradition of lighting a fire in my fire pit on this night, sitting alone, and contemplating the year that has passed and all those that have played a part in it.  And what a year it's been!  Wow. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

reaching out & looking in

It's one of my favorite kinds of days.  home alone, free to wander, putter around, be lazy, blast linkin park as loud as my speakers can go.  To work on my art, take frequent breaks to snack, to cry, to scream, to ponder life. 

This is my favorite place to escape to, right in my own backyard.  October is my favorite month and though I am frantically working to prepare for the show I've vowed to slow down from time to time to enjoy this amazing time of year.  I took out a snack, and coffee in my favorite mug, and spent time with nature, the universe, myself.

I thought about this week, and how so very much can happen in such a short time.  I reached out to a very dear soul earlier this week and asked for her help in getting ready for the show.  It's not easy for me to ask for help, so doing so was scary.  But she was so generous and heartfelt in her reply, of course she would help and be so very happy to do so.  That meant the world to me.  Then later in the week two other dear friends offered their assistance too.  I am so blessed to have such souls in my life. Here's one of them...god I love this man...and look at that smile!!!!!

And I thought of my sister, who I haven't seen in around 11 years.  I missed her so much at that moment, and texted her to tell her so.  I thought of regrets I have, one of the biggest being the way my relationship with my closest friend ended two years ago.  I'm so sorry for the way I handled things Scarlet.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  Please forgive me.  I thought of others I know I've hurt, or caused some kind of pain, and had a good cry there among the trees. 

It's not my intention to hurt anyone.  It's a struggle to be true to myself and be mindful of other's needs at the same time.  It's a fine balance, and I need a lot more practice on the tightrope.  I'm reminded of something a therapist I used to see once told me when I was struggling to understand some things that happened in my childhood.  He said that we all do the best we can with any given situation at that point in time.  How true.  His statement helped me then, and it helps me now; not only to forgive others, but to forgive myself.  The me that I want to be is struggling to come into existence.  Along the way I am going to make mistakes and cause hurt and confusion and who knows what else.  That's what life in physical form is all about - stumbling, growing, learning.  We're all in this together and in the end all it's really about is love.  The wise old soul inside me knows this, though the silly immature girl who usually runs things is still struggling to get my head around it. 

But it's all good.  We will all be ok.  Life is beautiful, no matter the circumstances.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Dear Deb;

I wish I could talk with you and hear all the stories of your latest adventure. Gawd, how I miss you! It’s been a tough week and I have wished a thousand times that I could come running to you and hear your words of wisdom and let you tell me that everything will be ok. You were so very strong, right up to the end, and I am healthy and fine and not half as strong as you were. I guess you heard what I said at your memorial, and it was so true.

Speaking of the memorial--excuse me, celebration--were you happy with it? I know you wont be surprised to hear how nervous I was about it, but it could not have turned out better. Cyana did a wonderful job as the MC. And everyone there spoke, and it was such a special time of sharing our stories about you. And I know you loved the butterflies! Though I was the one who handed them out for the release, it was Nancy’s idea to get them. It was perfection. I ended up bonding with one of Dan’s coworkers because we admired each other’s hair!

Speaking of Dan…I have failed there. I had every intention of checking in on him and the boys, but I haven’t seen them since the celebration. I have checked in on the boys on facebook a time or two, but I know that isn’t enough. I saw Nick’s new picture the other day and he looks so much like you that I busted out crying right then and there. I am still so angry over the fact that they have to grow up without you. What the fuck???? I just don’t understand. I know I know, I can hear you now and what you would be saying to me, but still!!

The bench at the park was finally installed, but I haven’t been to visit it yet. I printed off the map today and am going to check it out on Saturday, it and the brick in the walkway. I hope no one calls the police if they find me sitting there sobbing.

I had a show in May that went really well, but I don’t think I have to tell you that. I was using that special display box you gave me to show some pendants in, and don’t think I didn’t see that butterfly that kept flying all around it. My other Deb friend, Bead Deb, was with me, and she and I both had tears in our eyes. I think it was because of you that I sold all my canvases. And therefore because of you that I decided to make more. I have a show in November and that very night I have to take what’s left to Fat Cat, because the next day is her Holiday Open House. I’m having this display built to show all my work on, and the whole thing is going to be in Gwen’s gallery! I got a professional printer, so in addition to my originals I will also have prints, cards, and prints on wood, all displayed in one place. I wanted to really make an impact and she totally went for it. I am so excited but also stressed out….yea, I know. I know. So anyway I really don’t expect you to show up as a butterfly in November, but you could show up as a crow or something to help a sister out. It’s November 6th, State Street. If you’re not busy.

Halloween is just around the corner. It will be tough, remembering last year when you and I were out and about on one of our shopping days, with me dressed as a witch. But I wouldn’t give up my memories for anything. I was introduced to so many places and things because of you girl. Your life was so short but you sure knew how to give it your all. I wish I would have learned that from you. Do you think there’s still hope? I am totally open to any assistance you may want to send from the beyond or whatever you call it. And I know what you’re thinking, that I wouldn’t listen to you when you had a mouth and could speak to me, so I probably wouldn’t listen now. It’s the same ole shit anyway, just a different day. A very different day without you.

Monday, February 15, 2010

and the winner is...


Caryl of Carylsrealm!  She has been notified via email and I will get the necklace out to her asap.  I would like to thank each one who visited and entered my giveaway, and also Lisa for organizing this wonderful event for us all to enjoy. 

Sunday, February 7, 2010


My how time flies.  Tomorrow I can say I had surgery a week ago.  It went well, and though I could have been outpatient, I had a lot of pain in my shoulders so I decided to stay overnight and take advantage of the pain meds getting shot directly into my bloodstream.  :)  It hasn't been an easy week, physically or emotionally.  I am on a liquid diet until 2/15, and I miss food!  Then there have been some other physical discomforts, but all in all I am doing great, and am actually going back to work tomorrow.  I am really looking forward to getting back into a normal routine. 

I leave for Vegas in two weeks, to the first ever Art & Soul retreat there.  Art & Soul has a theme every year, and this year it's Art & Soul in Wonderland, hence the striped legwarmers.  I have been wearing them around the house this week to motivate me and also to keep me warm....I don't think I've been truly warm all week!  I also have plans to make a Mad Hatter hat, ala Johnny oh-how-I-love-him Depp, but we will have to see how much energy I have in the coming days.  And now I must get started gathering supplies for my trip, because they will actually be shipped this Friday!

Oh, and I have lost 9.5 lbs since Monday, February 1st.  Yes, 9.5 lbs people!!!!


Sunday, January 31, 2010

embracing change

Tomorrow morning I check in at a local hospital to have lap band surgery.  I have been working toward this day since August when I took the first step and attended a seminar about the different options in weight loss surgery.

It's been a very emotional journey, and that's one reason I haven't written about it here...I just wasn't ready to share.  The other reason is I wanted to make sure it was really going to happen; that none of the tests I had to undergo uncovered anything to prevent me from getting it, or the insurance was really going to pay (it is!).  I've had days of crying, and I even cried the entire two hours of my weight loss training class.  But though it was an emotional decision, and the road to the thinner me isn't going to be easy, I am 100% committed to this.  I am borderline diabetic, and I don't want to cross that line.  I want to lessen the load my bones are carrying around in hopes that my back pain becomes more manageable.  I want to have energy to bring all the ideas in my head to fruition, and I want to fit comfortably in an airplane seat.  Getting all that is well worth giving up eating as I've known it for most of my lifetime.

I will learn to eat all over again, and make giving my body the nutrition it needs a priority.  I plan to post here as a way of keeping a diary of my emotions, my weight loss, the foods I'm eating, and anything else I find interesting.   I may even post some pics of myself along the way...I'll have to give that more thought!

If you would like more information on the lap band, click here.  Thank you for stopping by!


Monday, January 25, 2010

“Well, you don't know what we can find….

Why don't you come with me little girl, on a magic carpet ride?”

Please come along to discover new places, new things, and new friends as we climb onto that magic carpet that flies by once a year to whisk us off on a world-wide blog tour! This is my second time participating in this event and I absolutely love the reasons behind it, the camaraderie, the discovering of new blogs…oh, and yes, the giveaways too!! I would like to thank Lisa, the creator of this event, so very much for her brilliant heart and mind, and also for the time it takes to coordinate/manage/pull-off such a thing. Click on the picture above to go to her blog and read all about the origins of OWOH and to see a list of the participating blogs…today is the first day and already the list is staggering!!

Ok, on to the giveaway! I have been in full-on Valentine’s mode getting the local shops stocked with my jewelry, so the piece up for grabs is along those same lines but is neutral enough that it can be worn anytime.

I am giving away this necklace/choker made of cream colored crushed velvet that I have serged around the edges with red thread. This feels wonderful against the skin! The pendant is soldered with lead free solder and under the glass is a rose I painted onto a page from an old song book. It reads “release me, she begged, and love said no”. Dangling from the pendant are 3 creamy glass pearls, one clear faceted crystal, and a bit of fraying fabric.

Entering is easy:
(1) You must have a blog to participate. I’m sorry, but this is a blogging event, so I don’t feel it would be right to open it up to non-bloggers—but there’s no time like the present to start one if you don’t have one!
(2) Leave a comment on this post, and be sure I can find you in case you win. If you win and I don’t hear back from you within 2 days, I will pick another winner.
(3) The deadline for entry is midnight on February 14th. A winner will be chosen, notified, and announced here on my blog by 7 PM on February 15th.

And that’s it! One thing I will add is that if you are going to be at the Art & Soul Retreat in Vegas or Hampton this year, let me know in your comment so we can meet face-to-face. How fun would that be?!

Best of luck and may your days be filled with magic!

The Eve of 51

Just writing the title made me burst into tears.  Not for growing older...I'm thankful for every day in this lifetime.  Not for physical...