Friday, September 21, 2007

First day of Autumn

I have been a very bad blogger. I think it’s ok for a blogger to be away unannounced for say, a week, but not this long. I just simply haven’t felt like sharing anything with anyone, and there are many reasons for this. I have been a little disheartened in the recent past by some goings-on at other blogs--discussion having to do with stealing designs and original ideas and all that goes along with that sort of thing. I mean really, original ideas are few and far between, and even though we may think an idea is ours, chances are it’s been done. We are exposed to so much these days, and images that we don’t even think we pay attention to are bound to be absorbed into us at some level, so who are we to say anything is “ours”? These “discussions” had absolutely nothing to do with me, but the issue has gotten under my skin for some reason, and put a damper on the enthusiasm I have felt over blogging in general. I have also been struggling with my own inner demon…ANGER. Why do I have so much anger inside me? It comes out in waves that knock me down and take away all reason and logic. At those times I have the ugliest thoughts and say the ugliest things, and have feelings toward people and things that leave me feeling ashamed and small and pathetic. I want to believe that the thoughts I have and the actions I take during those times are not the real me, but I’m afraid it is. I know I have a good heart, and I have a lot of love and light to share with those I choose to share it with. But that’s only part of me, and, I’m beginning to think, a very small part of me. I’m afraid the ugly, angry demon part is the strongest, and is winning. LOL…for those of you who watch Heros, sounds like Nicki/Jessica, doesn’t it? So anyway, I’m trying to explore this dark side and understand it and find ways to keep it in check. I have days that I am very successful, and others....not so much. Late last week I started feeling strongly that I wanted/needed a Buddha for my garden. So on Saturday I went to a yard art place and found the perfect one for me. Isn’t he beautiful? He looks like he belongs in that spot, don’t cha think? An immediate feeling of peacefulness comes over me when I look at him. I think it brings to mind the Buddhist philosophy of detachment, and letting things go. When I feel anger rising up, it helps to step back and detach myself from whatever has triggered it. My higher self knew how helpful the Buddha would be to me, and I am so glad I tuned in and listened. I am planning on framing a small pic of him to keep on my desk at work....which, next to driving, is the number one place I need to practice detachment. On a lighter note, I decided very last minute to go back to school this semester, and barely had enough time to register before classes started. The curriculum I am studying is Web Technology; with the goal of getting out of the “administrative assistant” field once and for all. I have two classes, both online. This is the first time I have taken online classes and I love it, and I’m hoping most of the classes are going to be in this format. I am doing really well so far, and that makes me feel more confident and all that jazz, which is always a good thing, And although I detest my job, I am going to try to hang in there until I finish school because really, would doing essentially the same thing at a different place be all that better? Maybe, but probably not. However, I am keeping my eyes and ears open and if any opps come my way, I will be open to them! And lastly, I will be having surgery on 10/5...nothing too major, but I will be off work for a few days recuperating. I’ve never looked forward to surgery so much in my life! Oh, and happy Fall!! <>

The Eve of 51

Just writing the title made me burst into tears.  Not for growing older...I'm thankful for every day in this lifetime.  Not for physical...