Sunday, October 31, 2010

and then it was over

October, you were a whirlwind; blowing in, spinning me ‘round a few times, and leaving so much behind.  You stirred up so much emotion in me: From joy that caused me to get up and dance, to sorrow that had me lying on the floor sobbing.  You were such a mirror for me. 

You made me want to get back in touch with my therapist, that’s for sure.  THE PAST was definitely your theme.  So many situations in recent weeks have made me ask, “Why now?”   The answer I’ve settled on is “It was time”.  

   I’ve said it before, so forgive me if I bore you by saying it again, but I believe the Universe gives us exactly what we need exactly when we need it.  Maybe I am just now at a point where I can recognize the events of the past few weeks for what they are--opportunities to further my growth and understanding of myself.  If things had happened at any other time, would I have been ready to learn, or even see these events how I am seeing them now?  I don’t believe so.

  Also, there’s the little matter of my art.  The 11 canvases I’ve created recently are not just fabric, paint, and paper - they are my heart, my soul.  Prior to the creation of this latest work, I’ve only painted sporadically, and then there was no real connection to what ended up on the canvas when I was done.  Maybe I needed these recent life events to crack me open, to leave me raw, so that the emotion would have no choice but to spill out onto whatever I touched.  

And for it all, I am so deeply grateful.  Grateful the mirror was held up so I could see the truth about myself.  Glad I’m able to recognize this truth, and be gentle with myself, and love myself in spite of my many, many shortcomings.  I’m thankful for the friends who are there to hug me while I cry.  For the people who crack me open, no matter how much it hurts, because light really does come through all those cracks, eventually.  For my sister’s surprise midnight visit.  Yea, after all these years.  And plans are being made to get together again, soon!  It’s so good to have her back in my life.  
And this day...I have to mention this day!  This cool truck was parked at a local art show I attended.  I forgot to take any other pics but did manage to snap a few of the truck on my way out.  I specifically went to meet Dani, of dani keith designs, who up until now I had only met online.  She was lovely and I'm thrilled that I now own one of her pieces:

I also met Andrew Sedberry aka the Bloody Brother and went nuts for his work.  I got two pieces:

I also visited a friend I hadn't seen in a while, stopped in at the gallery, went to the herbal shop to stock up on handmade soaps and lotions, got quite a bit of work done, and had a wonderful dinner!  A simply fabulous day. 
My show is next Saturday and I am, surprisingly, calm about it so far.  I've got quite a bit more to do, but I'll get there.  And today (since I'm writing this at 1:15 am) is Samhain!  Otherwise known, by most, as Halloween--my favorite day of the year!  I have a tradition of lighting a fire in my fire pit on this night, sitting alone, and contemplating the year that has passed and all those that have played a part in it.  And what a year it's been!  Wow. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010

reaching out & looking in

It's one of my favorite kinds of days.  home alone, free to wander, putter around, be lazy, blast linkin park as loud as my speakers can go.  To work on my art, take frequent breaks to snack, to cry, to scream, to ponder life. 

This is my favorite place to escape to, right in my own backyard.  October is my favorite month and though I am frantically working to prepare for the show I've vowed to slow down from time to time to enjoy this amazing time of year.  I took out a snack, and coffee in my favorite mug, and spent time with nature, the universe, myself.

I thought about this week, and how so very much can happen in such a short time.  I reached out to a very dear soul earlier this week and asked for her help in getting ready for the show.  It's not easy for me to ask for help, so doing so was scary.  But she was so generous and heartfelt in her reply, of course she would help and be so very happy to do so.  That meant the world to me.  Then later in the week two other dear friends offered their assistance too.  I am so blessed to have such souls in my life. Here's one of them...god I love this man...and look at that smile!!!!!

And I thought of my sister, who I haven't seen in around 11 years.  I missed her so much at that moment, and texted her to tell her so.  I thought of regrets I have, one of the biggest being the way my relationship with my closest friend ended two years ago.  I'm so sorry for the way I handled things Scarlet.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  Please forgive me.  I thought of others I know I've hurt, or caused some kind of pain, and had a good cry there among the trees. 

It's not my intention to hurt anyone.  It's a struggle to be true to myself and be mindful of other's needs at the same time.  It's a fine balance, and I need a lot more practice on the tightrope.  I'm reminded of something a therapist I used to see once told me when I was struggling to understand some things that happened in my childhood.  He said that we all do the best we can with any given situation at that point in time.  How true.  His statement helped me then, and it helps me now; not only to forgive others, but to forgive myself.  The me that I want to be is struggling to come into existence.  Along the way I am going to make mistakes and cause hurt and confusion and who knows what else.  That's what life in physical form is all about - stumbling, growing, learning.  We're all in this together and in the end all it's really about is love.  The wise old soul inside me knows this, though the silly immature girl who usually runs things is still struggling to get my head around it. 

But it's all good.  We will all be ok.  Life is beautiful, no matter the circumstances.

The Eve of 51

Just writing the title made me burst into tears.  Not for growing older...I'm thankful for every day in this lifetime.  Not for physical...