Saturday, October 9, 2010

reaching out & looking in

It's one of my favorite kinds of days.  home alone, free to wander, putter around, be lazy, blast linkin park as loud as my speakers can go.  To work on my art, take frequent breaks to snack, to cry, to scream, to ponder life. 

This is my favorite place to escape to, right in my own backyard.  October is my favorite month and though I am frantically working to prepare for the show I've vowed to slow down from time to time to enjoy this amazing time of year.  I took out a snack, and coffee in my favorite mug, and spent time with nature, the universe, myself.

I thought about this week, and how so very much can happen in such a short time.  I reached out to a very dear soul earlier this week and asked for her help in getting ready for the show.  It's not easy for me to ask for help, so doing so was scary.  But she was so generous and heartfelt in her reply, of course she would help and be so very happy to do so.  That meant the world to me.  Then later in the week two other dear friends offered their assistance too.  I am so blessed to have such souls in my life. Here's one of them...god I love this man...and look at that smile!!!!!

And I thought of my sister, who I haven't seen in around 11 years.  I missed her so much at that moment, and texted her to tell her so.  I thought of regrets I have, one of the biggest being the way my relationship with my closest friend ended two years ago.  I'm so sorry for the way I handled things Scarlet.  I didn't mean to hurt you.  Please forgive me.  I thought of others I know I've hurt, or caused some kind of pain, and had a good cry there among the trees. 

It's not my intention to hurt anyone.  It's a struggle to be true to myself and be mindful of other's needs at the same time.  It's a fine balance, and I need a lot more practice on the tightrope.  I'm reminded of something a therapist I used to see once told me when I was struggling to understand some things that happened in my childhood.  He said that we all do the best we can with any given situation at that point in time.  How true.  His statement helped me then, and it helps me now; not only to forgive others, but to forgive myself.  The me that I want to be is struggling to come into existence.  Along the way I am going to make mistakes and cause hurt and confusion and who knows what else.  That's what life in physical form is all about - stumbling, growing, learning.  We're all in this together and in the end all it's really about is love.  The wise old soul inside me knows this, though the silly immature girl who usually runs things is still struggling to get my head around it. 

But it's all good.  We will all be ok.  Life is beautiful, no matter the circumstances.


Effy said...

Beautiful sharing. Your bravery in digging in your own dirt gives me courage to do the same and to face my own regrets. It's amazing, the power inherent in authenticity and honesty. <3

Jeanne Nelson said...

What a beautiful, touching post, Chandra. I wish I would have been on that bench with you today, so I could have held your hand, hugged your neck, and shared the moment with you. But sometimes, I suppose, we need to be alone to truly "feel" these feelings; I hope that is what you needed today, and I hope things went well with your sister; how brave of you to make this move. I admire you for doing so.

The wise one whom shared the sentiments about each of us going through things in our own way, and doing the best we know how to do ~~ that's so true. Sometimes, when we reflect, we can wish things had been different, but it's helpful, to me, to remember that we all do/did the best we can/could, at that moment, with what we're given. I'm thankful to be reminded of this today, through your post. We are all doing the best we can, with no intentions of hurting anyone; although I'm so guilty of speaking without thinking and thus causing unintended pain to others. Or putting up that brick wall around my heart, so others can't hurt me; especially family members. What a meaningful piece of art, girl!

Wow, what a powerful post! I've gotta go back and read it again now. I hope you found some peace today, girlfriend. When you need a hand, or a heart, please know I'm here, k? <3 U!

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